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Breaking the Cycle of Covert Abuse: Understanding and Healing Generational Trauma

2025-03-01 22:22

The Silent Inheritance of Covert Abuse

"I will never be like my mother," vows 28-year-old Marina (all names in this article are fictional). Yet, a year after giving birth to her daughter, she catches herself saying, "Why can’t you be perfect?" Her story is far from unique. In covertly abusive families, harmful patterns of behavior are passed down through generations. A 2020 study by the University of Cambridge found that 65% of individuals who experienced emotional abuse in childhood unknowingly replicate similar behaviors with their own children, even when aware of their destructiveness. Why does this happen, and how can the cycle be broken?

How Trauma is Transmitted Across Generations

Learning Through Imitation

Children absorb behaviors not just through words but through modeled actions. When manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional invalidation are normalized, these tactics become ingrained communication tools. For example, a child who frequently hears "You’re overreacting" learns to suppress emotions, later imposing the same emotional invalidation on their own children.
Emotional Blindness

Parents who grew up in covertly abusive environments may not recognize their own trauma. They often believe that strictness, criticism, or emotional distance are expressions of love. As psychologist Gary Chapman explains, "If someone was loved conditionally in childhood, they struggle to offer unconditional love."
Cultural Reinforcement

Societal norms can further entrench these patterns. Attitudes like "Don’t air your dirty laundry" or "Parents are always right" discourage open discussions about family trauma. In many cultures, including post-Soviet societies, domestic abuse remains taboo, making it difficult for individuals to acknowledge and break free from covert abuse.
A Case Study: Recognizing the Cycle

Dmitry, 40, sought therapy after noticing increasing aggression toward his son. During sessions, he uncovered deep-seated childhood wounds: his father humiliated him for mistakes, while his mother dismissed his distress with, "Cry it out, you’ll feel better." Despite vowing to be different, Dmitry found himself yelling at his son over school grades. Through schema therapy, he identified the link between his anger and his fear of repeating his father's behavior. Techniques like rescripting allowed him to mentally revisit his childhood, provide his younger self with the comfort he never received, and apply these insights to his parenting. Over 18 months, he reshaped his approach to fatherhood.

Breaking the Cycle: Steps Toward Change

Step 1: Healing the Inner Child

We carry our childhood experiences with us. Therapies such as schema therapy help parents acknowledge and address their unmet emotional needs. For instance, a mother who criticizes her daughter's weight may be projecting her own unresolved body image trauma from childhood.
Step 2: Identifying Triggers

Recognizing automatic reactions is key to change. The "Freeze Frame" technique from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help: when anger arises, pause and ask, "What am I feeling? How is this connected to my past?"
Step 3: Establishing New Family Rituals

Instead of reacting with criticism, parents can practice emotional attunement. For example, if a child receives a bad grade, rather than scolding them, they can ask, "Tell me what happened. I’m here for you."

Breaking Free from Generational Trauma

Intergenerational trauma is not a life sentence but a challenge that requires awareness and effort to overcome. As Bruce Perry notes in The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, "Care can rewrite even the deepest wounds." Acknowledging inherited patterns is the first step toward creating healthier, more nurturing family relationships.
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Daler Mirzoev